W e all know the importance of fostering close social connections. With that in mind, we asked experts how to know if your friendship is toxicβand what to do about it. Toxic friendships are often one-sided. You might notice you're always the one initiating conversations, making plans, and generally keeping the friendship alive. Sarah Quaratella, a psychiatrist in Denver who works with college students often struggling with toxic friendships.
Angela, 43, who used her first name only in order to talk candidly about her relationships, grew up in a small town where high school nights were spent around a bonfire, drinking beer out of kegs. Throughout her teens and 20s, her friends often encouraged her to drink or party more than she wanted to, leading her to make choices she later regretted.
And as she got older, she felt too embarrassed to talk about the things she was passionate about or that they couldn't relate to, like her business-school classes. Toxic friends are often guilty of emotional hijacking, Brownfield points out. Take a step back from the situation and talk to your support system to get some perspective, Quaratella urges. Talk through your long-term expectations: What are your hopes for the friendship?
What needs to change, and realistically, will it? Sometimes, there are changes you can personally make that will prove helpful. Me being able to stay calm when things get heated? The best way to approach it, Brownfield says, is to focus on the pattern or cycle hurting your friendship. It requires time and effort from both people. Ending a friendship is difficult no matter what, but the way you approach it can make a big difference.
Sometimes, it might make sense to simply distance yourself without formally cutting ties. Though she communicated directly with some people in her friend groupβcalling out hurtful behaviorsβthings naturally shifted with others. Sometimes, it might feel like a friend vanished into thin air. Being ghosted is painful,Quaratella acknowledges, and can make you feel confused and distressed. She suggests first reaching out to a mutual friend to see if they've heard from your potential ghoster.
