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When my dad died I remember well the intense guilt I had in the months that followed. Though his death didn't fit into one of the categories known for guilt, that didn't stop me from feeling guilty. When my sister's boyfriend died of an overdose years later, my guilt went to a new level.
I rehashed all the things I felt I should have done, all the negative thoughts I had over the years, and approximately a million other guilt-thoughts that often plague survivors of substance losses. Now, we could just assume I have guilt issues quite possible but luckily I have worked with enough grievers over the years to know that my guilt when grieving is the rule, not the exception.
In our experience most grievers have some level of guilt associated with their loss β sometimes big, sometimes small. We have had a lot of comments about guilt on the blog and facebook lately. So today we are thinking about, talking about, and embracing guilt and grief well, sort of. In case you were worried, that is a totally normal reaction. If you missed it, we wrote a post a while back about why you should never tell a griever not to feel guilty.
Here's the deal β guilt is a feeling. Feelings need to be validated and we need to find ways to accept, integrate, and move forward with these feeling. So, when it comes to why we feel guilt, it is important to reflect on the reasons for our guilt and then consider ways we can cope with guilt. But first and foremost, we need to accept that guilt is a common and normal feeling in grief.
We make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes have significant consequences. Sometimes we fail to do things we wish we had done or should have done. That may be as large as a grievous error in judgment or mistake that led to a death. It could be as small as something hurtful we said, or something meaningful we failed to say.